I bet you think this one is about you.

When you look at your reflection, what do you see? A friend, an enemy, a stranger… do you even think about this shit? If you do, then maybe this is for you. If you don’t, then this is still for you. Take a minute to think about something maybe you hadn’t before. 

One day a few years ago I remember talking with a friend about the collection of reference photos I had for art projects on my phone. “I have a lot of pictures of myself on my phone actually-” I said, and with a face full of distaste my friend said “wow that is so vain.” I was taken aback to say the least, as I had never been referred to in such a way. The fact that I am typing about it should tell you that I internalized that shit, and of course it was maybe not their intention to offend or off put, but isn’t this why we are taught to think before we speak? Anyway, without placing blame on that individual, I take full responsibility for believing such a silly sentiment. I couldn’t help but wonder what exactly about it was “vain” though; was it the amount, or just the fact that I was the subject of them? I didn’t follow up with them about that, but I would spend years thinking every single time I took a selfie or a photo for reference, that I was maybe being a little vain for doing it, regardless of the outcome. So let's unpack that shall we?

First of all- to define the word vain according to Merriam Websters goes as follows: having or showing undue or excessive pride in one's appearance or achievements; or marked by futility or ineffectualness. In other words, you are conceited, or it (being your effort) was all for nothing in the end. I knew that they meant the first definition, though now in hindsight I think they might have struck a different and more affective nerve had they meant the latter. At the time I was taking a bunch of pictures and not posting them, which immediately negated the idea of vanity because I didn’t excessively take pride in them, or myself in them- in fact it was the opposite. So in a way, I made the effort to create in vain, as there was nothing to show for in the end. I can take their words now and alchemize them into my own meaning in order to not feel so bad about what was said, but not everyone is going to be that secure. In truth, I am barely that secure- it's been years and I’m still thinking about it !!! Regardless, this got me thinking about how to change my own perception of what it really means to be vain in society today. 

In my opinion, it is a near impossibility for the average person to be self-centered as almost everything in our media tells us that there is something out there that will make us better. Consumer mentality tells you that you need this new product or procedure to make you look and feel good, and though “natural” beauty is the trend- that still requires some level of consumption and upkeep to make it palatable. So for argument’s sake, maybe we are vain, it is just to our detriment because it is about the pursuit of betterment. But have we ever asked ourselves who we are making ourselves palatable for? Also I don’t know if you caught that, but I said natural beauty -you know that thing you are born with- is a TREND, implying that it will die. So for those that do make it through the trenches, whether it be through a secure understanding of self, or the access to get work done- we are so happy for you, but wondering how the hell we are going to get to the other side as well. Perhaps it is through vanity. 

To put this idea into practice, one of the first things that needs to happen is to spend some real time getting to know yourself- by yourself. I don’t mean “me-time” or “self care” as in body butters and bath bombs- unfortunately self love isn’t all that pleasant starting out. I mean the alone time that scares you. When your thoughts and heart seem to compete for who can race the fastest, and you recall that thing you said to that one person that one time that was ultimately mortifying. At some point we have to confront and get comfortable with the lightest and darkest parts of ourselves- anything less is neglect. Now, because we did this whole “money to live” thing, taking alone time isn’t going to look like what we expect. It really means taking notice of how you think about yourself through the way you interact with the outside world. Through this analysis you can begin to pick apart the notions you have of yourself that lead to self deprecation. When you talk about yourself, do you say things like “I am an idiot” or “why am I like this?” Can you take a compliment, or better yet, do you believe the compliments (non physical and physical) that you are given? 

It is going to feel weird, but I want you to do a thing for me the next time you are going to shower, or go for a drive; whenever it is that you are going to be solo and uninterrupted. Turn on a playlist of love songs, they don’t have to be cheesy or overly romantic, but they should be obviously devotional and if the lyrics mean something to you, even better. Now, instead of thinking about how you feel about someone else, or wishing someone felt this way about you, I want you to sing to yourself. Sing to yourself as if this is the moment you have found your soulmate and you simply cannot contain how you feel about them. Not only will this bring some new energy into your routine, it will get you thinking differently about your capacity for self love. The best part is that no one can tell you that you’re wrong for doing this, I mean unless they want to be the asshole that tells you that it’s weird to love yourself. I unintentionally started this practice at my dining room table while I was in the thick of my solo quarantine last Spring. I don’t recall the song, but I do recall thinking to myself how sweet it would be to one day have someone feel this way about me. I then realized that I am someone, and I can feel that way about me. 

The first time I did this with intention I was listening to “Kiss of Life” by Sade. “When I was led to you- I knew you were the one for me-” started the second verse, and in an instant I was reduced to tears. I had for the first time in my 24 years thought of myself as someone who was worthy of these words, and I was so proud. At this point I had spent a few months by myself in the house, and I was deep in thought about this concept of vanity. I was not sure if I was being crazy or if I was actually onto something, especially when the conversation happening outside of my little world was about the virus and racism (among the list of things that we discussed during that hellfire of a year). I cried because it felt insane and hard to love yourself when the world feels like its ending, in a body that is consistently targeted, whether because of the color of my skin, the texture or style of my hair, or the fact I was born a woman. On top of that, “that is so vain” rang in my mind like a belltower at noon. But alone at my table that day, the only thing that mattered was knowing that after all this time, within myself was the unconditional love I had been looking for. 

We don’t live in a world that asks you to focus on yourself and reflect on your life very often, especially if it's not to someone's gain. It is vain to have confidence, but good luck doing anything without at least a little bit of it. So let this be a call to action for you, I am giving you permission to love yourself- I am obviously the supreme earth ruler so what I say is law. (just kidding). In fact I am not only giving you permission, I am telling you to do it. Take a picture of yourself buck naked and admire it, you might even find an artist who can draw it and illustrate to you the true beauty that lies within. I might know someone if you’re interested in that ;). You may also be wondering what has become of all of that source material I referred to as the reason I was deemed vain in the first place. Some of it has made it to this website, and a lot more of it remains in my archives as exactly what they are meant to be; fucking source material *rolls eyes*. I did however think of and begin planning an entire series of portraits that discuss this idea of vanity, and even took pictures for it all of last year and this year. But you wont get to see that for a little while, masterpieces take time to complete.